I lost count

I lost count

I lost count of all the times that I have heard,
Words leaving mouths with no thought occurred,
“You don’t look ill” from a stranger.
I feel attacked. Fight mode. I think I am in danger.

I lost count of all the times I have cried.
Uncontrollably, no warning, unable to hide,
A little voice whispers “Remember to breathe”,
While another screams “I’ve no strength left in me.”

I lost count of all the times I’ve been made to feel insane,
Seven years it took, to diagnose my chronic pain,
At first they told me “Your results are clear. It’s all in your head.
I’ll get you some more therapy. Here, have some more meds”

I lost count of all the times I lost my patience,
Straight into offence mode without hesitation,
“They don’t believe you. Never will” the little voice knows,
My blood boils, I feel like a volcano trapped in a tornado.

I lost count of all the times I lost control of my emotions,
I betrayed those I loved, blamed them when I was broken,
I never apologised, just burned another bridge,
Don’t worry, Karma found me… yes, she really is a Bitch.

I lost count of all the times you said I looked tired,
Or when I failed to achieve what was required.
Hushed whispers in corners “She’s tricky today,
We don’t know how she will respond. Not now, Okay?”

I lost count of all the times I have seen pity in your eyes,
Not knowing how to help, in you I am desperate to confide,
But I am too scared of your reaction If I let you in,
Will you, like all the others, run from the demons you find within?

I lost count of all the times I wanted to scream,
I need to wake up from this terrifying dream,
This nightmare. I collapse in a heap
This is my life. I just want to sleep.

I lost Count, by UntanglingT

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