UntanglingT

Welcome to my Blog. I am UntanglingT,

Before you will unfold a few ramblings and some poetry,

Little insights into my life, my heart and my mind,

I hope it helps you to Have Courage & Be Kind.

 

An introduction I feel is required,

To help you accept why I am so tired.

If I can help you understand the label “Chronically ill”,

Perhaps you’ll have some empathy as I climb these steep hills.

 

“She’s a Porphyria Patient?” The Doctors queried,

They googled my condition and I became more weary.

Am I in safe hands? Can they comprehend the severity

Of the symptoms that occur with such irregularity?

 

A few years down the line,

And the Doctors changed their minds

“The Porphyria’s inactive. Something else causes her pain.

Is it psychosomatic?” Oh no. They think I’m insane.

 

I went through more tests, and eventually,

Discovered Endometriosis. My step-sister had diagnosed me.

Back to the doctor to book another scan

To see a specialist who had experienced it first-hand.

 

After years of living in pain, I thought I had some control

But out of the blue, I hit the deck. I was out cold.

Back to the Doctor who looked worriedly at me,

And said urgently, “I’m fast-tracking you to Cardiology”

 

More tests. I look down. There are so many wires,

“What does this one do?” I heard myself enquire,

He did not answer, I look up to see a strange look on his face,

“A low resting heart rate, but extra beats” he says, amazed.

 

Many more months and a few more tests, but eventually,

Diagnosis! Arrhythmogenic Cardiomyopathy.

Over a decade has passed since I received

My first Chronic diagnosis, of which there are three.

 

Now here I am, well into my recovery,

Adjustments a plenty so I don’t set off my ICD.

Thank you taking the time to join my journey,

Upon which we will be

UntanglingT.

2016, The Year of the “W’s”

2016, “The Year of the W’s”At times the Worst, but often Wonderful.

A lot of time Wasted, but more time Worthwhile.

At times it was Woeful, but I am learning to overcome my Weaknesses.

Although I feel Weary & at times I Withdraw, I will embrace my Whimsical, my Weirdness.

I learnt to understand my Whole-Wellbeing, my limits and found Wisdom in my mistakes.

So I begin 2017 with a Wish for you & I. 

To keep going. To keep Healing. Naturally. To embrace the Gifts of The Earth. Of Life. Of Love. To Share. To Teach. To keep making mistakes as it will mean we have embraced opportunities no matter how small or scary, so we can continue to Grow. To Learn. To find the Warrior Within. And lastly, I hope you have Courage & that you can be Kind to all you meet. Because you are Worth it 💞
Thanks 2016. You Broke me. You Almost Beat me. But I Survived. And I smiled ✌️️

Judgement day

I want to scream

Please end this dream

These nightmares

I am always scared

They stole my self esteem
I feel the anger rise

As you look at me, surprised

I did not chose this

I wanted happy bliss

Not tears that don’t ever dry
I see that look from a stranger 

Questioning my behaviour 

Judgement they pass,

This day might be my last,

They know not of the danger.
Words by unTanglingT 

This ‘lil Gemini

The sign of the Twin, my ruler Mercury,

Often misunderstood with my dual personality.

In a split second my mind can change

One minute I will love and care for you 

The next I wish I’d never met you

Perhaps my sensitive nature spurs creativity,

Easily able to adapt, but I lost my Versatility, 

Unable to control my frustration, my passion.

My head in the clouds, thoughts whip round the Air

Pen to paper. I remember my Artistic flare 

Known for empathy, my heart on my sleeve

If only I could find the courage to believe 

In myself, perhaps find my kindness again

But passion controls my thoughts and mind

And alone I’m left, all twisted up inside.
Welcome to the mind 

Of this ‘lil gemini

There is a Warrior inside Me

I know physical pain all too well.

The mental torture of knowing how far I fell.

Cramps, stabbing, ripping, twisting my insides.

And yet, here I am. Very much Alive.

 

I know what it’s like to feel dead inside.

To have lost all hope, left wanting to die.

I know how it feels to not want to survive,

I know confusion as some days I am happy to be alive.


I know how it feels to want to be free

Independence from doctors and chemical pain relief.

For now, I push my feelings aside and create harmony.

Today I remembered. There is a Warrior inside Me.

Breathe Deep

My heart pounding in my chest,

There’s always something. I can never rest.

I must bring my heart rate down

I put my bare feet on the cold ground

“It’s okay darling. It’s only stress”

 

I overheat. Sweat pours down my face,

An unrecognisable reflection stares back in disgrace.

I don’t know if this is my scarred little heart,

Or anxiety, or fatigue, I can’t tell them apart.

I need fresh air. Please, give me some space.

 

I’ve no control of my eyes, they always weep

I’m exhausted. I never get enough sleep.

I wish I could trade my life for just one chronic-free day,

But this is my life. I must live it my way.

“Just remember to Breathe. Go on, Breathe Deep.”

 

By UnTanglingT